At some level, we as parents want our children to succeed in life. Our intent is, we want them to have more opportunities, and a better life than we had. That’s the positive intent most parents want for their children.

For some parents, success is when your kids excel academically and they graduate to become doctors or engineers. For some, it is about having your kids become the next Google or Facebook founder. For others, it is about getting your kids to become pro athletes like playing football or basketball. Lastly, some parents just want their kids to be happy. 

Whatever your aspiration is, academics, start-ups, athletes, or even just plain happy, you want your kids to be successful and happy in life. 

…So what does science have to say about the strongest predictor of success?

Is it talent? Is it personality? Is it having good looks?

Let me share with you what I have learned about the strongest predictor of success and how I applied the success principle with my daughter in her spelling bee contest…

“Spell the word barely,” said the facilitator to the number three contestant.

“B. e. a. r…” he studdered slowly and asked if he could start over.

“Barely, b. a. r. l. y, barly,” said the boy second-guessing himself. 
 
“No that is not correct,” the facilitator broadcasted.

With his shoulder drooped over, and his head down, the sixth-grade boy walked back to his assigned seat with tears streaming down his cheeks.

At this point, you can feel the tension rising in the makeshift cafeteria turned into the spelling bee hall as round two just eliminated six out of twenty-four contestants.

To make matters worse, the bee facilitator announces, “We’ll not use the Scripps National Spelling Bee list anymore. We will randomly choose a word from the Merriam-Webster dictionary moving forward.”

…and a red flag raised in my head, “You mean you’re not going to test from the 483 words that my third-grade daughter practiced so hard every day for two weeks?”

“The high-school-level SAT words like coccidiosis, craqueliure, and propitious she had to memorize are completely out the window?”

“You’re going to pick from a random list? This is so unfair!”

“We stayed up late at night to memorize and sacrificed our weekends to go over the list of words …and on top of that, the contest pitted eight-year-olds against fourteen-year-olds. Not cool…”

When round three ended, tension couldn’t be more high.

Of the original twenty-four participants, fourteen kids have been eliminated, but my third-grader is still competing, giving sixth, seventh, and eighth-graders a run for their money.

As furious about the on-the-spot rule change, I want my kid to learn something more important, and something more valuable than a token of achievement.

I want to teach my daughter courage, determination, and resilience. It’s about being the best version of herself. That matters more to me than a plastic medal.

Why is this more important than winning?

…because we want our children to win at life. Not just this moment.

*Researchers from the University of Pennsylvania have found that success in life is not based on talent, wealth, or social skills. Great achievements come from passion and persistence called “grit.”

Every G.O.A.T. (greatest of all times) like Michael Jordan, Tom Brady, Tony Robbins, Oprah Winfrey, Steve Jobs, and the list goes on all got there because of grit.

So the night before the spelling bee, I said to her these three key life lessons to help her cultivate her grittiness (feel free to use this to help you develop grittier kids):

1) Wherever you land tomorrow. Whether you win or get eliminated, Dad will always be proud of you because you worked your butt off. It’s not about me… You should be proud of yourself for all of the hard work, determination, and dedication you put in.

2) At the end of the day, only you truly know if you won or lost, meaning…

If you did your best, give it your all, and put your heart on the line, you won. You may not get the accolades, a trophy, or a medal, but you’ve done what most people are terrified to do. This is courage.

But here is the thing …and it’s a very BIG BUT. If you didn’t give it your all, someday you’re going to reflect back and think I should have… I could have… I would have…

That time is gone. You can’t go back and change a thing. You’re going to feel sorry or disappointed about yourself. You don’t want to live a life of “regrets.”

3) Life is unfair. It’s not fair that they pit you against eighth graders when you’re only in the third grade …but hey this is life. So learn the power of “Not yet” meaning… 

• You’re not a failure; you just haven’t mastered it “yet”
• You might not know it “yet”, but you’re on a learning curve of learning
• You’ll get there. Maybe “not yet” now or the next day or the next month, but when you continue to learn, you’ll get there  

**Standford Psychology also found that if you want to raise successful children, get them to fall in love with learning. Help them find the joy in learning.

With that said, she went to bed, ready for the next day.

Want to know what happened to the spelling bee results?  Read How to Raise Courages Children

*Duckworth, A (2013, April). Grit: The power of passion and perseverance
**Armstong, K (2019, October) Carol Dweck on How Growth Mindsets Can Bear Fruit in the Classroom